“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” - Ephesians 2:10
“Do you have a minute to chat?” read the Teams message at the top right corner of my screen. My heart races as I type a hasty “Yes!” in response to my manager. Though it was fairly normal to receive a “can I call” message from her, something about this felt different. My heart sank as she explained that she needed to give me some feedback from “Leadership” because she wanted me to understand why I hadn’t been asked to attend any of the travel that was taking place that month. She shared that “Leadership” which consists of our CEO and a VP were both unimpressed and felt that I lacked initiative.
ME!? REALLY!? I, who graduated high school with a 4.0, fought for college scholarships, was the president of the largest student organization on campus, worked 4 jobs to get myself through a private university, and then moved three states away from my family to pursue a career!? ME!? I LACK INITIATIVE? Her words stung and I fought to maintain my composure. I felt the need to tell her everything I had ever accomplished in my life. I needed to prove myself.
As much as I hate to admit it, I struggle to receive negative feedback, as I often take things very personally and easily adopt people’s opinions as truth. Call it what you will; people pleasing, perfectionism, or even self-obsession, but when people have anything negative to say it wrecks my world and causes extreme self-doubt. After receiving this feedback, it felt like all the work I had been doing in counseling and prayer to combat my perfectionist tendencies erupted like a hot volcano.
Over the past year, the Lord has invited me into a season of pruning, trimming away these branches of perfectionism, control, codependency, and anxious attachment. As I entered into a relationship with my now boyfriend of over a year, these tendencies began to surface. I found myself constantly trying to impress him, woo his family, and prove myself to those that mattered to him.
I could write an entire blog about my relationship anxiety and perfectionism, but I will save that for another time. Counseling brought to light my desire to please others and to only allow them to see the best side of me, and if I am honest, I would only reveal the parts of myself that I believed others would approve of.
I desired to be pleasant, unproblematic, and enjoyable. I found myself repeatedly stating in counseling that I just felt like all of these defining characteristics I had identified with had dissolved, and I didn’t know how to describe myself anymore. I felt I had run out of fuel to maintain my “identity” and people were beginning to see through me faster than I could paint the picture for them.
I brought this question to the Lord: “God, Who do you say I am?”
My anxiety is like my little PR specialist working overtime to ensure everyone sees me in the best light. I didn’t feel successful, I was emotionally detached from my work, my faith life was suffering, prayer and spiritual intimacy was anxiety-inducing, and on top of it all, no one was affirming me! Who does that make me?
I tried to think of all of these words that I previously identified with or that people had used to describe me in the past. I thought “Well, I know I am fun! But not always. Lately, I haven’t been. Oh, I know! I am funny… well not to everyone and sometimes I embarrass myself trying to be funny… but I am kind!!! Am I though?” And the list went on and on. Every word I thought of just felt like a small bit of the picture but not the whole truth. I recognize that this sounds really sad, but it never really felt sad to me; it was oddly liberating.
Amidst all this interior work to battle perfectionism, self-soothe, and allow my core self to lead instead of my protectors *queue teams ping* this conversation happens. I felt devastated by the setback. I spent the weekend reflecting on this conversation deciphering between the truth and lies and deciding what I could take on the chin and what was unfair or untrue.
In all transparency, I cried over it a lot. The situation lead me back to this very question: Who am I? I brought this question to the Lord: “God, Who do you say I am?” Again my brain listed all of these words that I thought God might use to define me but nothing felt right.
After finally allowing my thoughts to fall silent, I felt the Father say “Daughter”. OH YEAH! I am a beloved daughter of the Most High! How could I forget!? When I tell you my entire body was filled with the Joy of the Holy Spirit. Reflecting on that moment, I can’t help but giggle at myself because I have been told this my entire life but that felt like the first time I actually believed it. 2 Corinthians 6:18 states,
“I will be a Father to you, and you will be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty”.
Lord, let my heart be reminded of this scripture when I lose myself. For as long as you are Father, I am daughter. No other false identity can compare to my identity as Daughter. As stated in Ephesians 2:10, we are his “workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works.” May we always be reminded that our identity is not dependent upon our accomplishments, goals, personality traits, or physical appearance. My name is Katie and I identify as a beloved daughter of the most high king.
This is so good!!! Totally needed to hear this today 🤗