"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
-Proverbs 12:18
At the start of Lent this year, I chose to take a different approach than I had in years past. I typically pick several forms of penance, very dramatically complain about my chosen penance the entire 40 days, and revert back to my old ways as soon as Easter is over. This year, however, I felt convicted about that approach. Was that really helping me grow closer to the Lord? Is penance really penance if I lack the humility to do it without attention or praise? And how much does denying myself sweets for 40 days really affect my relationship with God if in the back of my mind, I am more excited about the possibility of losing a few pounds?
Now, I will admit that I do not like penance. The strength to bear pain and suffering well is just not one I was given. I can, however, see the fruit that comes from fasting, denying the flesh, and mortification. I am not saying giving up sweets isn’t a good Lenten penance, I just don’t think the posture of my heart made that penance effective for me.
I spent a couple of weeks leading up to Ash Wednesday reflecting on where the Lord was actually inviting me to practice mortification. I considered the things I had found myself confessing to repeatedly in the past year. Gossip, complaining, comparison, and engaging in demeaning conversations toward others at work as a form of bonding all came up almost weekly for me. No matter how hard I tried, I kept falling back into the same patterns week after week. This was it. This was where my heart needed purification.
I decided that for my penance, I would practice mortification by refraining from speaking impulsively, taking time to listen in conversations, and NOT saying negative things about others. If I did say something negative or mean towards another, I had to offer up three Hail Marys for them. Now, I know this sounds like an ambiguous penance, but as an introspective person… I am constantly reflecting on my own actions, so a mindset shift is actually a lot more effective for me. Simply taking a few seconds to ask myself, “Is this helpful? Is this loving? Is this worth sharing?” If the answer is no, then I force myself to refrain from contributing.
As an extrovert, it can be very easy to get carried away in conversation, storytelling and even just having a good time. The temptation to be the center of attention can both make us the life of the party and can also be a source of tension in our pursuit of holiness. My instinct in conversation is to relate to others by sharing an anecdote that relates to whatever is being shared. Good intention: to relate, empathize, and understand. Bad execution, as sometimes it takes the attention away from the original party, or can seem like I am just making everything about me. And maybe I am subconsciously. So, before sharing my own story after someone else has shared theirs, I stop and reflect on the posture of my heart. Am I sharing because I had a similar experience and I want everyone to know that, or because my story adds to theirs, further proves their point, and does not take away from the attention they are receiving? If the latter points are true, I proceed.
An extrovert tendency I find myself battling is the desire to say something funny, sarcastic, or witty as much as possible. People like funny people, right? I tend to lean more toward silly humor because I don’t care for humor at the expense of others; however, that humor sometimes comes out when I am around a lot of dudes. I think I just revert back to being raised with all boys and the constant roast lifestyle.
I especially love a good bit of sarcasm, and I bond quickly with people who are a bit sarcastic. Sarcasm is a dangerous game in the pursuit of virtue, however. Sarcasm in Greek is “sarcasmus,” which means “I strip off the flesh”. Sarcasm can be innocently comical and harmless at times, but temperance is important when speaking with a sarcastic tongue. On the contrary, it can also be received as condescending, mocking, and hurtful.
Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it my impart grace to those who hear."
One of my least favorite qualities and the hardest to admit is that I love to participate in a heated rant session. Especially at work. I am very easily sucked into negative conversations particularly when there is piping hot tea. Listening is my gateway drug to gossip. I find that “listening with compassion” has been a kind disguise for further engagement in gossip, complaining, and doom-sharing. In general, I am learning to avoid escalating conversations of complaining without any intention of improving. It is one thing to discuss challenges with the intent of reaching a solution and another thing to gripe about processes I disagree with without any intention of taking action. I also struggle with pridefully thinking that my way is better. With this in mind, I have begun to take greater care in considering my words and the conversations I participate in. Again, I force myself to stop and think, “Is this helpful? Is this loving? Is this worth sharing?”
I immediately witnessed the fruit of this form of mortification. Docility. Prudence. Charity. Temperance. These virtues come to mind as I reflect on the Lord’s work in my heart throughout Lent. In learning docility, I am learning to possess the humility to listen and learn instead of sharing and being heard. In learning prudence, I have learned to be thoughtful and intentional with my words and to consider the outcome of my actions with wisdom and discernment. I have learned the importance of being charitable with my words, to be kind and generous instead of cruel and deprecating. Lastly, learning temperance has meant regulating my impulsive thoughts and desire to be seen and heard, and reflecting on whether something is fruitful to share.
I have found that this practice has allowed me to be more present with others. Slowing my responses has allowed me to be more present with others and create space for them to share and be seen as opposed to focusing on how they are hearing and seeing me. In addition, I have left social situations feeling filled up by the beauty and gifts of others instead of relishing in everything I did wrong and everything I shouldn’t have shared. Interactions have felt more life-giving, and I feel less guilt towards my thoughts, words, and behavior.
While I am still working to implement these changes in my life, I hope that one day the repetition will lead to mastery, and that I won’t have to try so hard to speak and act in alignment with these virtues of docility, prudence, temperance, and charity. The more I orient my heart toward these virtues, the less I experience post-socializing regrets. When we act in accordance with our true selves as beloved children of the One True King, we can proceed with confidence, not regret and insecurity. I encourage you to reflect on where the Lord may be inviting you to practice virtue. Lent may be nearly over, but your pursuit of holiness is not. Where might the Lord be calling you to practice mortification in your daily life?
“Make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with mutual affection, and mutual affection with love. For if these things are yours and abound, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
-2 Peter 1 5:8